“Food-on-Food” Frenzy

A personal message from Law B. Itch: “Folks, I realize that the following installment of Law B. Itch’s blog isn’t exactly “law” related (although there have been some laws passed recently that do attempt to protect those of us who eat, such as the “no trans fat in NYC” regulation). But sometimes, things happen that just chap my ass. This is one of those times…enjoy!”

Make no mistake, I love food. Actually, I’m obligated to love food, lest I want to be bound by my hands and feet and force-fed fried meatballs until Aunt Chickie downs another juice-glass of Chianti, and decides I’ve consumed a sufficient amount of cow. Yes, I’m Italian.

Yet, despite the fact that pan-drippings and tomato paste are part of my DNA, I feel compelled to take a stand against a recent food phenomenon. As far as I can tell, it began with the creative geniuses at Taco Bell who one day decided, “Hey, why bother creating a whole new, ninety-nine cent food item, when we can just combine two greasy tortilla-wrapped delicacies we already make, and give it yet another, bastardized foreign food name!” And voila! The taco-wrapped-in-a-burrito, wrapped-in-an-enchilada, wrapped-in-a-quesadilla was born. Shortly after that, some fast-food pizza chain thought it would be a good idea to wrap a pizza, inside a calzone because dough and cheese go together like fat and cholesterol.

I’m talking about, or rather railing against, this whole “food-on-food” frenzy. It’s now made its way to traditional, American cuisine. Moments ago, as I was sipping my coffee (and mind you, it was simply coffee, not a coffee-wrapped-in-a-milkshake, wrapped-in-a-pancake), I saw a commercial for Friendly’s latest culinary creation, aptly called the “Grilled Cheese Burger Melt”. What it is, is a traditional cheeseburger, but instead of a bun, it’s wrapped in two grilled-cheese sandwiches! No joke.

Seriously, who is in charge of creating these food-on-food monstrosities? Does some marketing guru round up a room full of under-weight college freshman, get them completely stoned, and ask them to write down what they would prepare for themselves if all they could use were ingredients scraped off their couch cushions, some lard, and a frying pan?

This food-on-food eating trend is officially out of control. Instead of having cute little chili peppers or smiley faces next to menu items indicating fan favorites, we should have chubby skull and cross-bone emblems and warning labels. “Danger! Two grilled-cheese sandwiches surrounding a giant cheeseburger disguised as a single meal can feed an entire passenger compartment of a mini-van. Just sayin’…”

These fast-food (and pseudo-food) establishments aren’t doing our waistlines any favors. I’m not calling for a boycott, but how about we lean on ‘em to stop having stoners plan their menus? And maybe we nominate David Zinczenko (author of the “Eat This, Not That” series, a MUST read) as our new national food czar. At the very least, let’s give the guy a reality show. If anybody can guilt a hot-dog out of wanting to mate with a meatloaf, it’s him.